being the offspring of a diabetic, it isn't unheard of that i show symptoms similar to those of diabetes, but not actually have the disease...
today, dad had really hypertention. which means he's just really irritable, but not due to an outside of his body source, no, he's irritable because his body has some kind of chemical imbalance. i don't know the science behind it, all i know is that when he gets like this, i shut my mouth and go to my room.
he picked me up from brittany's house, and he came quicker than usual to get me so i didn't have much time to get my stuff together. usually he talks with her parents for about 10min before we leave which is sufficient time for me to put shoes on and get my things. today he didn't do that. he rang the door bell, twice, and said hi, happy fourth, then got into the car and started the engine suggesting i'd have to walk home if i didn't run into the car.
he was pissed at me for not thinking of others and hit my knee cuz i was putting my shoe on which blocked access to the gear shift. i had just finished watching nana, the live action movie based on an anime. in this movie, hachi is a really selfish girl and in the movie she and her friend nana grow as friends and hachi begins to be less and less selfish. when he accused me of not considering others, i immediately thought of the brat hachi was at the begining of the movie. this bothered me, i don't want to be like her. yet, i am. me and otama have an obsession with this movie, and between us, im hachi and she is nana.
as i thought about my actions recently, i came to realize that i am selfish. and i'm not ok with that. in my mind, selfish people contribute nothing constructive to society. all of these things put together made tears come to my eyes. am i really that bad of a person? can i never contribute anything worth while to society? is it even possible to change my selfish ways?
damn it all. i don't even know where to start when it comes to changing my thoughts and actions so that i'm not selfish.
back to the diabetes. so, sometimes, i behave like dad does when he has hypertention. one night, dad's was so bad, i vowed never to treat my children like he does when this damned disease makes him act like someone he isnt. yet, i continue to behave similarly on rare ocasions. why can't i stop it? it seems like nothing starts it... similarly with dad... but i can't stop it either once it's begun. it's so frustrating. i feel like a piece of shit when it happens too, because i'm being such a fucking bitch to the ones i love, but there seems to be nothing i can do about it.
i am still resolved to never show hypertention-like symptoms to my children and express it in negative ways. i will be sure this will happen by being aware of what's happening and know at that time what is occuring. it is unacceptable to continue such unnecessary behavior any longer. also i will learn how to deal with dad's symptoms without resorting to shutting myself out. this requires research. i am determined to follow all of this through.
adieu.
