hypertention

being the offspring of a diabetic, it isn't unheard of that i show symptoms similar to those of diabetes, but not actually have the disease...

today, dad had really hypertention. which means he's just really irritable, but not due to an outside of his body source, no, he's irritable because his body has some kind of chemical imbalance. i don't know the science behind it, all i know is that when he gets like this, i shut my mouth and go to my room.

he picked me up from brittany's house, and he came quicker than usual to get me so i didn't have much time to get my stuff together. usually he talks with her parents for about 10min before we leave which is sufficient time for me to put shoes on and get my things. today he didn't do that. he rang the door bell, twice, and said hi, happy fourth, then got into the car and started the engine suggesting i'd have to walk home if i didn't run into the car.

he was pissed at me for not thinking of others and hit my knee cuz i was putting my shoe on which blocked access to the gear shift. i had just finished watching nana, the live action movie based on an anime. in this movie, hachi is a really selfish girl and in the movie she and her friend nana grow as friends and hachi begins to be less and less selfish. when he accused me of not considering others, i immediately thought of the brat hachi was at the begining of the movie. this bothered me, i don't want to be like her. yet, i am. me and otama have an obsession with this movie, and between us, im hachi and she is nana.

as i thought about my actions recently, i came to realize that i am selfish. and i'm not ok with that. in my mind, selfish people contribute nothing constructive to society. all of these things put together made tears come to my eyes. am i really that bad of a person? can i never contribute anything worth while to society? is it even possible to change my selfish ways?

damn it all. i don't even know where to start when it comes to changing my thoughts and actions so that i'm not selfish.

back to the diabetes. so, sometimes, i behave like dad does when he has hypertention. one night, dad's was so bad, i vowed never to treat my children like he does when this damned disease makes him act like someone he isnt. yet, i continue to behave similarly on rare ocasions. why can't i stop it? it seems like nothing starts it... similarly with dad... but i can't stop it either once it's begun. it's so frustrating. i feel like a piece of shit when it happens too, because i'm being such a fucking bitch to the ones i love, but there seems to be nothing i can do about it.

i am still resolved to never show hypertention-like symptoms to my children and express it in negative ways. i will be sure this will happen by being aware of what's happening and know at that time what is occuring. it is unacceptable to continue such unnecessary behavior any longer. also i will learn how to deal with dad's symptoms without resorting to shutting myself out. this requires research. i am determined to follow all of this through.

adieu.

mini blog bg

 
*sigh* im tired. I'm feeling rather reserved today. I've been feeling reserved all week. Some call it 'emo' but I call it being moody.

So, while I was enjoying Full Metal Panic! Episode #19, I figured that I should get back into the rhythm of making mini blog bgs, templets, or whatever again. I really enjoy them. It's a chance for me to express myself through images. All of my templets are Naruto screen caps, so it also satisfies my Naruto obsession.

If I seem unenthusiastic, it's because I'm feeling unenthusiastic. There's something that's been bothering me, and I can't seem to pin point what it is, let alone tell someone about it.

I can't seem to figure out what I want to put in this particular blog. Maybe a poem relating to Naruto's predicament regarding the Nine-tailed Fox Demon. I think that's a good idea, there has been a poem forming itself in the back of my mind for a few days now, regarding this particular topic. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's been there for years... It just hasn't manifested itself as a written piece yet.

Well, I'll see if I can get to writting it. Hopefully it will come out soon, I'm starting to get irritated because I think about it so much.
kimiko. 

Today the wind is powerfully strong.
Every being can feel it attempting to sway them from their course.
How fortunate they are to have obstacles, such as wind,
challenging them and forcing them to grow.

Today the sea gulls force themselves to fly into the wind.
Most fall back to the sand and simply attempt to walk the distance.
They don't have the strength to face the obstacle in their way.
One courageous gull refuses to touch down and give up.
How beautiful it is for it to continue to fight on,
only advancing an inch at a time,
falling back frequently,
never being swayed into changing route.
This soul possesses that which the poet on the dirty bench
with sand between her toes strives to discipline.

Orange

The Columnist Manifesto
this is zach's blog.

i seriously love this guy... today, we had a date. and i was nervous at first D:... and sweating profusely... v__v it was embarassing... but his hands were shaking so i didnt feel as dorky as i would have had he been calm and composed....

TT__TT he and i... we were being awkward together! i loved it... so much... it was fucking awesome... he pulled off the hot dork better than me though... but it doesnt matter because i dont mind being the dorkier of the two anyway...

i didn't hug him at first... cuz i was so embarassed about being so nervous... i barely said 5 words... and... right when he first arrived at leenas i was acting so 'fake cool' i was even annoying MYSELF! gah... it suxxord... and alexis kept pouring the popcorn we were trying to store on the floor... it wasnt cool...

so... in Elizabeth's car... i called shotgun then a second later i felt really weird about it and wanted to sit in back with him... but then elizabeth put the popcorn maker in my way... how inadvertenly evil... i tried to make conversation with him... but my voice kept being somewhat shaky so i stopped for a period of time... then, for a poor attempt at making up for the lack of hug i passed him my 3 dvds from blockbuster online to show that i wanted to interact with him and only him... i dont know if i got my message accross...

so i finally was able to relax once we were on our way down shoreline. it took a long time to walk all the way to washington, but it was really nice because the wind was keeping me from sweating too much.... right around when we were in the neighborhood of paru st. i took his hand. man, that was really tight...

when we got to upper washington park, after i showed him around and all of that such and so on, we found ourselves under a tall tree looking at the pictures and contacts on his phone. i thoroughly enjoyed looking at all of his friends. since the tree was so uncomfortable for him to lean against [i felt bad that he was in pain but he didn't complain! wat a trooper...TT__TT] we decided to move locations, but instead of sitting at the base of the new tree, we played the 'look who's taller now!' game. we hugged for a preiod of time. and during this time i realized that he smelled so good! i kept smelling him all over and he was laughing cuz it tickled... :3

he bought me water and a oatmeal raisin cookie at starbucks... i love those cookies. and i especially love that he offered to buy it for me. people don't realize how much simple gestures like that are appreciated.

after i ate my cookie and we both drank our drinks we went to throw away our trash and wait by the bus stop. as we were approaching the stop, right out side starbuck's door, i turned around suddenly, realizing i still had trash, i had a rather distressed look on my face and as zach and i collided, he gave me a hug. [i love hugs. especially warm and loving ones...] when he embraced me, i felt calmed from my freaking out about forgeting to toss a wrapper... the best part of the wrapper insident is that he took it and tossed it FOR ME! so thoughtful... so sweet

when he got on the 50, a few minutes after leaving starbucks, i watched him ride away from me. inside, i was cursing the rediculously small rear window and the surplus of heads in the way of my eyes and his cute asian face. it was not cool. but i certainly felt cool because he and i, we were orange, and we were orange together.

Zach's side of the story...

RAW:World Apart

I sift through my chaotic mind
to find that peace,
that moment of mental silence.
The silence breaks as his voice sings,
sings those words of confusion and heartache.
I feel his confusion,
his headache,
the music plays on...
a tear forms on the edge of my heart.
This moment of silence,
I'm left whole,
repaired,
composed.
He saves my soul and prepares my mind,
prepares it for the rest of the day.
The song ends.
The music plays on in my head.
plays on in my heart...

World Apart

teh lyrics
Sekai no hatekara machi e tobu
Kagirinai jidai no idea

Sunaarashi no yoru ni kasokushite
kitzuitara koku wa dokoka

sokuseki no uta de mai odoru
jittai no nai mirai to ai nowa
bokutachi no hibi no sasayakana
negai sura yume no you dayo

boku no ryoute ni wa kore dakedayo
kokoro no naka ni kakumei wo

tooku mukou de
biru ni munashisa ga sasatte
rokuzyou no apa-to no
genjitsu wa mahishita

me wo fusaite
boku wa kimi wo omoi egaite
sozo no sekai de
kimi mo zenbu nakushite
wakatteyo

boku no ryoute ni wa kore dakedayo
kimi no ryoute ni wa sore dakedaro
mabuta no oku ni ukabu image de
kokoro no naka ni kakumei wo

tooku mukou de
biru ni munashisa ga sasatte
rokuzyou no apa-to no
genjitsu wa mahishita

me wo fusaite
boku wa kimi wo omoi egaite
sozo no sekai de
kimi mo zenbu nakushite
wakatteyo

-----
i'm sure you're just itching to know what all that means!! XP
Ok, here's the translations...

I flew from the town to the end of the world,
The endless era of ideas

I went much further with an evening sandstorm rising
And lost my direction when I came around.

Dancing with the instant song
There are no truths to the future love's
My everday modest wishes
It is my dream world

It is only this in both of my hands
Inside my heart, the revolution is breaking out.

Stuck to that purposeless
far away, distant, empty building
In the space of a six-mat room apartment
the reality is numbed

My eyes closed
I chase after you, struggling
The world of imagination
You also vanished altogether. I understand (you know)

It is only this in both of my hands
There is so much in both of your hands
In the images that float behind my eyelids
Inside my heart, the revolution is breaking out.

Stuck to that purposeless,
far away, distant, empty building
In the space of a six-mat room apartment
the reality is numbed

My eyes closed
I chase after you, struggling.
The world of imagination
You also vanished altogether. I understand (you know).


Enjoy!