Guilt: Past, Present, Future

Olvidar mis errores del pasado y obtener logros en el futuro.

I used to think of experiences from days and years before as a summation of who I am and was at that point in time, that is true as a gage of who I have been but is not applicable to who I am today or who I will be.

I know instinctively that I can be better than what or who I was before, especially when it comes to the pain I inflicted on myself and the loved ones around me.

Its terribly difficult for me to forget. I can sometimes see the effects of my damage in the present and wish from the bottom of my heart that I can take it back or make up for it, in any way that would alleviate the pain I see. This guilt is most prevalent when I am presented with a tiny object or idea that is tied to a specific loved one or more directly, mentally tied to some negative action.

Apologies alone will never be enough but the future self that has yet been formed is the only mode of redemption. Never again will I fall victim to the whims of my fleeting impulses or allow myself to be dragged down and defeated by trivial environmental elements. If my past has done anything positive for me, its purpose has been to strengthen through survival; while never losing sights of my dreams.

When I'm presented with a chance to step forward, tangibly move toward a fuller self, or fall back into regret, I hope my guilt will ignite the courage I need to change rather than excuse my subsequent tail spin. Until then, I am continually fighting to choose the nobler path. Only time can really tell if I'm anywhere near successful.

2010 in Retrospect and Appreciation

2010 has been a tumultuous and excited year for this little blogger. Among the many things I was able to accomplish and am grateful, I appreciate the opportunity to study abroad, a major life goal achieved. Japan was a learning process: personality quirks and traits were revealed, my understanding of my surrounding environment broadened a little, more cultural awareness and communication improved! I successfully navigated my first traumatic event, tragic heartbreak, and subsequent depression, with psychiatric help. I helped shakubuku an "at-risk youth," and finished my first ever million daimoku chart!

Again, as at the end of every semester I have experienced to date, it has become clear to me just how much the people around me support and care for me. To those whom I speak to or see daily, I thank them. To those whom I am physically separated, my love and support has not wavered, I wish and pray for their happiness and success all the same.

I don't regret anything that I did, happened to me, or happened around me this past year. Nor do I regret the interactions I had with the people in my life this year, perhaps to some one's dismay.

My only hope for 2011 is that my existence alone can inspire pleasant and motivating feelings in those around me. Hopefully everything will go well for more people in 2011 than the amount of people who didn't have things in their favor in 2010.

"We were born to struggle and challenge ourselves. We were born to progress in our lives and to win. This is the meaning of a life dedicated to happiness and peace. The purpose of life is being victorious. And the key to victory is chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo." Josei Toda

Unappreciation

Unappreciation: un·ap·pre·ci·a·tion, noun, \ˌən-ə-ˌprē-shē-ˈā-shən\ 
1. failure to appreciate something
2. ungratefully: in an ungrateful manner



Many, many times I have walked into a museum and considered this sculpture or that painting beautiful. I can also appreciate the beauty I find in Jake Gyllenhaal's face and body and thus patronize his movies more often than say, Clint Eastwood. Perhaps the reader has had a similar experience of finding value in some trait or characteristic of a person or object.


Now, I have found it difficult to find value in myself as easily as I find it in others. If we can't appreciate ourselves, how can we ever appreciate someone else or expect someone else to appreciate us as individuals? We all have our individual strengths and weaknesses, beauty and ugliness. 


If I find my especially good characteristics and emphasize them, then perhaps someone else will notice, enjoy and appreciate them as well.