I was disappointed yesterday for not finding my friend on the trail. Instead I found some sprouts to transplant in my garden. I also found the trail to be newly paved--perfect for skating!
Today, I went skating on said new pavement and had a good session. I even challenged myself to skate on the road next to the trail. It was going well until I hit an obstacle in the road moving too slowly and fell off my board.
Big takeaways: Wear elbow pads because I'm guaranteed to fall. Skating on quite roads isn't as scary as I thought it would be.
I had the pleasure of making conversation with a stranger a few nights ago. There is an art to making conversation, and when two people come together, sometimes this collaboration yields beautiful results. This time, it did. I left the conversation feeling exhausted as usual, invigorated, and incredibly vulnerable.
I'm used to spiritual revitalization from mutually supporting my Buddhist community members. I rely on my parents and friends (more heavily than parentals) for emotional revitalization. But it was a strange sensation to feel anything other than drained from interacting with a potential partner. That probably says more about my tendency toward the role of emotional caretaker in romantic relationships than I'd prefer, but I digress.
Initially, I was surprised that I felt vulnerable afterwards, intellectually and emotionally. It's been a very long time since I've felt like that. In the moment, I decided to trust him, even if on a very small scale like telling deeply personal stories of my past. As I digested the reasons why I felt so exposed, I saw that time has taught me to be logical and force partners to access my heart at a slower pace than my heart wants to be accessed. Is that a symptom of being too trusting in my youth and subsequently burned by my partners? Or
is it a part of my red-hot heartslowlycooling as I amass wisdom and spend more
time in this world?
Because I recognized this trust-aversion at all and because of my residual feelings of emotional defenselessness, I see that I do still have the capacity to trust partners. That's wonderful! In the last six months--when I determined to take a furlough from dating--I wondered if that ["trusting"] muscle was shriveled up and slowly dying… If I can in fact exert that muscle, would it be an act of naivety or faith? I guess that depends on perspective…
Took a pretty harsh fall today on my right side. I was wearing sleeves so my skin is less damaged than the last fall. My hip will probably have a massive bruise come tomorrow afternoon... Lastly, my nose got bruised from my sunglasses hitting my helmet, which hit the pavement. Ouch. It also seems I somehow busted my ankle last week, so peddling and breaking was painful today. Double ouch.
As I was trying to keep practicing while my elbow burned, hip throbbed, and ankle made me wince, I contemplated the reasons why I subject myself to so much physical pain? Am I a masochist deep down? Is skating worth it?
The more I skated on, the more I understood that I genuinely enjoy skateboarding. It's something I've always appreciated. Now it's finally my turn to skate through the pain, get over my scrapes and bruises, and fulfill a wish from my younger days.
